They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
