Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
