did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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