Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
