You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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