last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
