I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
