How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
