Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
