Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
