So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
