____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
