Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
