five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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