I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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