dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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