I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
