I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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