so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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