My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
