OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
