My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
