Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
