Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
