My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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