We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
