i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
