This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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