turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
