happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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