guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What did we do last night that was yellow?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
