oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
