Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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