if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
