I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
