You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
