I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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