I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
