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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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