i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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