Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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