go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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