My boss' voice literally gives me gas
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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