Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
