the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
