how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
