Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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