there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
