I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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