If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Pants are for mortals
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
