I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
