Me. At least after what I've been through.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I haven't been this sober since birth.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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